So today, well not today but for awhile now, I have come to realize that I have a much different outlook on life. Or a much more different one than I had several months ago. About October or November to be exact. Before, if isaw 98 on that scale- which i did ( or even worse, 101) I would have slashed my guts open just to lose those extra 9 pounds. Don’t get me wrong. It sucks feeling so heavy now, but when I see that I’m 98, I can’t help but jump for joy knowing that I’m not that dreaded three digit number anymore. Oh god. My goal is still 92, but I’m just not as aggressive about it anymore. I admit, I was in are really dark place last fall. I heard depression hits around winter time, but im not depressed. I don’t go around sulking about my life……..as bad as bad as other people. typical teenage angst- that’s all it is. But yeah, last fall was awful. As if I don’t mention this enough, but I’m sure as hell that if I didn’t see that one post, I’d still be obsessing over my weight every damn minute. The neeeeeeeeeed to weigh myself everyday was so crazy. I noticed I’d lose like a pound in 20 minutes. I never trusted the scale, but it was the only thing I had that made me feel corporal. Like, it was the one thing that told me where I should be. It directed me, and kept me from going adrift. Or so it did theoretically. I’m sure I was on the verge of an eating disorder, but honestly, I was just a “wannabe”. In some sick way, I wanted to have something wrong with me. To reassure myself that my life wasn’t perfect, and there was more to me than this person that I was presenting myself as. I barely knew who I was, and although I was sometimes sure, I’d get confused when I found my personality contradicting each other. God I hate typing on iPads. Anyhow, if anything looks weird, it’s my inability to easily access commas, and uhm. Yeah. Thats why there’s so many periods. Yeah. Just wanted to point that out. Any who, I guess I just wanted to be a part of something. Maybe apart of some teenage phase that I was supposed to go through, because I missed out on so many other things. Love, kisses, dates, the feeling of companionship. Makeup, confidence, jobs, the typical American movie tebellious teenage life that I thrived to have. Except the American part. Canada ftw. And to add to that. Ive always hated myself. I mentioned before that I’ve never been so confident before, but have also never hated myself so much before. Yeah, it’s weird and complicated, and it’s my life. If I couldn’t control the way my face looked, my skin looked, or my personality, at least I could control my body. Or so I thought. I mean, how many girls can say they weigh 90 something? Actually a lot can. Damn skinny Asian bitches. Ahah, but I’m more fit than them right???? Im not like them, I will have abs. Blah blah blah. I wanted abs, and that’s how my fitness thing started. So much better than obsessing, and brooding over my weight. Anyhow, I started counting calories, and for a few weeks now I’ve stopped. I Just can’t do it anymore. I told myself I’d never succumb to that kind of desperation, and I did. Sucks. But I can’t anymore. It was too much of a burden, and it was too hard to see how much I overate. The guilt, and the anger just built. It was hard. I’m still trying to stick to 1350 occasionally, but I don’t count. Too lazy for that shit. Fuck I hate autocorrect. I hate this onscreen tumblr keyboard too. Ughhhhhhhhhh…
Anyhow, the point is, I’m surprised how ‘fat’ I’ve become. ThAt I’d actually be happy about weighing something that would have killed me. I’m not sureif that’s good or not. But if you love yourself, and sleep 8 hours AND drink milk while skipping the junk food, and exercising, you’ll lose weight for sure. That’s guaranteed. But how many of us can actually follow that routine? It’s so simple, yet so hard. Next to impossible actually. So close, yet so far away. Like the difference between 100, and 92.
05/07/12
